I wake up every day to fix my bed, eat breakfast, take a bath, fix myself, and pack up my things till I’m off to work. This is my routine since then, and everything just seems so normal because I lived with it. I start my day with a cup of coffee, think of beautiful things that I wanted to do until it turns out to be the other way around.
I feel lost and feel like I’m completely alone which I know is a bit true. But I still have my friends. Why I don’t feel them? Why do I feel like there is something wrong with me, Or with the people around me? There are things that seem to went wrong yet I have no idea what is it.
I keep on thinking did I miss something or did I lose something important? My head hurts trying to figure out what is going on with me. I don’t have the strength to confront someone and say “I am lost. I don’t know what to do. Can you help me? Or please just don’t talk and listen to me” I might turn out to be lunatic which I don’t want to happen because I’m not. I know I’m fine. I just feel like a stranger to myself and a lost traveler to the world.
I even started to think that I don’t belong in the field where I’m in.
I am so afraid that one day, I couldn’t do my job well. I hate the feeling of rejection towards anything. I am losing the interest not only with my field but also with the people around me. I don’t know. This isn’t me. I hate the fact that I am now living my days for things that confused me which I really don’t understand.
I will stare blankly in an open space and cried for no apparent reason till I get tired and just gaze impassively. Sometimes I thought of death which I think will only end all these things. But for sure, people around me will just blame myself for doing so. I wanted to hang myself, cut my wrist till it bleeds no more. I wanted to be a lifeless body lying down on my white porcelain-closed bed. Just to be able to stop myself from suffering. I hated life for being cruel to me. Not being fair enough to get rid of me and just hit others, play his tricky life treats.
All I do each day is to greet people who greet me. Laugh with them though it didn’t sound funny. I pretend to be freaking okay and face all the people around me without them knowing I don’t care. It sounds insane, right? Insanity just strikes when you feel like you think of something to do that you yourself do not wish to do but still have the urge to do it because you think it’s crucial. Now, you be the judge.
I simply end my day with a hope (Yes, I’m still hoping) that I won’t feel like this anymore. Not tomorrow, not the next day but no more. I still have love for myself which I must put first over anything else. I still have my friends whom I turn to when my mind gone crazy. I am sorry to myself for feeling this way. Sorry for the people I just bumped without any word. I just don’t understand why I am feeling like this. I, myself hate this feeling as well so as the people around me.
This isn’t me. For I know I wasn’t like this.